he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
