I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
