Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
