so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
