Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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