WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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