i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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