dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
