DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I want her autograph on my taint
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
