Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
