I just threw up on my dentist
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
