you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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