She said her name was "party"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
