What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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