How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I want her autograph on my taint
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
