Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
