Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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