rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
