Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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