We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
