Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
