jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
