i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
