I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
