last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
