I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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