Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
