I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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