how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
