He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
