Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
