i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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