Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
