I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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