Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
