sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
