If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
