My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
