You know, be my cock's hype man.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
