Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
