I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
