Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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