At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
