I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
