I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
