Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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