So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
