Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I love you. Go after that dick
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
