You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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