I faked an abortion last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
