Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
