I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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