I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
